Dating Myself.

Sorry it's been a while, Blogger. Life has been busy... I'm currently sitting in my kitchen listening to Hall & Oates's You Make My Dreams and smelling a pan of bars that just got out of the oven... okay, life is pretty good after all!

So...I’ve realized that I get frustrated when I can’t direct my love onto anyone. This probably doesn’t make any sense, but I can’t help but want to share my life with those around me. I get frustrated when I feel like I am not noticed. In order to solve this, I’ve been trying to date myself and pay myself that extra attention I seem to be lacking. I know, dating myself probably sounds a little immature or weird, but it has actually been quite delightful. I’m the only person that can read my mind. I know everything that will make me happy…so why not spend the money on myself?

For my birthday I woke up and made breakfast bagel sandwiches for myself and my roommates. This was wonderful because I got to help myself and others all at the same time. I also purchased a bouquet of my favorite flowers, peach roses, to make myself feel extra special.

My birthday turned out fantastic. I had a small group of friends and family that came to celebrate with me. They brought me gifts and truly made me feel loved with their presence. These are my beautiful roommates and me.

I decided to have adventures on my own. Exploring, living, and feeling. I took myself to see The Invisible Woman, a film about the secret love affair of Charles Dickens. I was one of about 4 people in the Uptown Theater. I cuddled into my faux leather seat and let my head get lost in the fantasy. It hit home for me because it explored the love lives of artists. For some reason, I seem to only be attracted to men that create for a living. This is both good and bad. My conclusions are that it is impossible to have a serious relationship with an artist.

Later that weekend, I explored the frozen Minnehaha Falls with myself. It was an incredible sight to see. I just went again two days ago and climbed up behind the falls with my DSLR. I have been itching to take my camera for an adventure and the view was breathtaking...here's a sneak peek from my phone's camera.

I started taking yoga classes to help me find peace and energy throughout the day. I need to start going more often again, though. Life has just been so busy. No excuses, though!!

To attack my goals I set forth earlier this year, I am raising money for Children's Grief Connection. It is a camp that helps children and families that have had a death occur in their family or a close friend. I've had a chance to volunteer at this camp (as a giant bear, mind you!) and I am now going to JUMP IN A FROZEN LAKE because I feel so strongly about supporting this cause. Click here to donate to my jump!! This camp is 100% free for families and truly changes their lives and helps them carry on. Camps are expensive to run, so please contribute, even if it is only a small amount! The person who donates the most gets to CHOOSE WHAT I WEAR!!!

Lastly, I’ve been buying myself fantastic food like salmon, scallops (picture below), and steaks to treat myself. Focusing on me has allowed me to focus on others in a healthy way, too. I’ve gone on several dates with friends to try out fantastic new restaurants and foods, but more on that in my next post! Have I convinced you to start dating yourself more often, too?!

Is our presence a present in the present?

Presence (n): the state or fact of existing, occurring, or being present in a place or thing
Present (n): a thing given to someone as a gift
Present (n): the period of time now occurring.

In schools, attendance is taken at the beginning of the day and throughout the day as students switch classrooms. Invariably our names are read aloud and we respond with "here" or "present." By the time we graduate, we've said "here" or "present" thousands of times already. We say these words, but do we mean what we say?

We understand physical presence and often conclude that that is enough. Arguably, being physically present is a wonderful thing. Parents attend recitals, concerts, games, etc. and their presence is greatly appreciated by their children. I know I certainly appreciated it...but that was in the 1990s and early 2000s. Life was considerably simpler because my parents weren't texting, emailing, or making phone calls during my important activities. When they took me out to eat, I had their full attention. When I told them about my day, they listened. When I watched a movie with them, they paid attention so we could discuss it. They are quite wonderful and they still do pay attention... even though my mom can be a teenage girl when it comes to looking at her facebook news feed when I'm home.

When I got old enough to have a phone and texting, I fully embraced it. I was raised with a cell phone. I was raised with an iPod touch. I didn't have to go that entire snow day without talking to my friends...in fact, I didn't go more than a few hours without texting a friend. As I've grown older, technology has advanced greatly. I remember a time when I had internet on my phone but didn't prefer to use it because it was so slow [taking 10 seconds to load a page!! (sarcasm)]. Now, I don't even bother lugging around my mammoth laptop because my Galaxy Note II does almost everything my computer does...and many things my computer can't do. Incredible, isn't it?! The span of my lifetime thus far has been 21 years. In 21 years we've gone from very basic, mammoth phones that hardly fit in a purse to phones that fit in your pocket conveniently (unless you're me and decide to have a phablet). We have more distractions on that little gadget than we know what to do with...I digress a little...

When given the opportunity to reciprocate the gift of being present with my parents just as they had shown me their presence, I didn't. I wrapped myself up into the little virtual world that resided in my pocket. I put my friends first. I failed to fully appreciate the people around me that loved me most and this makes me sad.

Don't get me wrong, technology is wonderful. I'm able to stay in touch with anyone around the world and even see their face while conversing. I'm able to have massive group chats with friends. I'm able to follow the lives of all of my friends and acquaintances without having to ask them anything. I can feel like I'm staying in touch with people I know because I see their lives unfolding. I'm able to be "social" with people without having to say a word or move a muscle (okay...besides clicking a mouse or scrolling over a touchscreen). This sort of interaction does not fulfill my needs! There are phenomena popping up such as social media anxiety disorder (yes, that's a thing now!) and other psychological disorders related to social media. These disorders can be traced to the fact that social media is skewed. We tend to only post the good, positive events in our lives. We omit writing "Sitting on the couch eating ice cream for the third day in a row. Rough week. Need friends. Can anyone come over?" for fear of sounding desperate or even worse...BORING. We want people to think our lives are fun, exciting, and glamorous. We only show the good... but that isn't an accurate representation of real life. Social media is not the equivalent of being social.

If I'm able to visit a friend in person, I prefer that to anything my phone can do. Humans are social creatures and I am no exception. When I am with friends, I am able to control myself around my phone. As I've gotten older, I've learned that in order to spend quality time with someone I love, I need to put my phone away and not look at it unless it's a phone call (because it might actually be important). 'Remove the distraction and be present with your friend' I say to myself. In this sense, I mean present as in all three mentioned above. I'm with my friend in the here and now as well as mentally there too. My presence should be a gift. Is it? Am I truly listening to my friend? Is my friend truly listening to me?

I've figured out that when I put the people I'm physically surrounded by at the center of my attention, I remember the event, situation, conversation...everything so much better. And this makes me happier. The only thing I'm doing differently is letting go of distractions and giving my focus and attention to the person or people I'm with. My problem is that I am not always given the same courtesy back. I'm present, but my friend is absent. She only talks about herself and her situation but doesn't seem to care or be interested enough in asking me questions too. He won't reciprocate the undivided attention I give to him, his life, and his stories.

At what point do I give up on them? At what point am I a fool for keeping them as friends? At what point am I the monster for walking out on them when they needed my friendship? Why does it hurt so much to care and be vulnerable and be present and be patient with those around us? Being present shouldn't be this difficult...but somehow it is. If we are not present with our loved ones, we miss out. We forget what was said. We forget the joys and sorrows of moments because we did not pay attention. When we are not present, we lose. We lose the moments with our loved ones that we will never get back. We lose out on self discovery and knowledge when we do not participate in storytelling or debates. When our loved ones aren't present, they miss out on the gift of our presence. They miss out on the meaningful conversations, insights, and laughter we can provide. They lose out on the opportunity to embrace us and deepen the bonds that already exist. They lose because their world becomes shallow and narcissistic... and then they try to search for meaning in their lives and find none.

My challenge for all of us is to put the phone away when it's not necessary and simply be present with those we're with. We are all a gift to one another with our words, our art, our ideas, our thoughts. This is how we feel our purpose in life. Listen. Be attentive. Repeat. Show the people you love that you are present and that you care about what is going on in their life and how they are feeling... then offer some advice or discussion if it is warranted. If you are truly present, the gift you receive in return is a treasured memory. You get to learn more about that person and share in their life. They'll note that you actually listened. They will feel cared for and appreciated. They will feel loved. So will you.

Consume the world or get swallowed by it.

Consume the world or get swallowed by it.

I come from a generation of instant gratification. If I need food, I can have it at my door in less than ten minutes or pick it up in my car in less than 5. If I need a friend, they are a quick text or call away. If I need entertainment, it’s in the palm of my hand 24/7…unless my battery dies, in which case I can find an outlet in less than 5 minutes to charge it as well.  The last time I read a book (for fun) was pulled up on my phone because I didn’t want to go out and buy it. We never have to leave our houses for anything material if we do not wish.

There are so many stores and they are bustling at this time of year. Why do we choose to go out and consume from the world even when we do not have to? Why do we feel the need to give our loved ones discount junk we found on black Friday just because it was a ‘fantastic deal’ on Christmas? Why can’t we just simply be present with the friends and family around us? The greatest gift any of my friends and family can give me this year is their time, their friendship.

Christmas can be one of the loneliest times of the year. And the new year rings in memories of the past. We evaluate ourselves and often look at what we did and who we are. Do we like what we see? What do we need to change?

I am halfway through my senior year of college… and I am freaking out. I don’t have quite the life I want internally, but cosmetically, I do. I don’t fully love, know, and trust myself yet, so how am I supposed to know what to do with my life? Society pressures us to go to college and we’ll just figure everything out there, right?! Wrong. I’ll be leaving college with more questions than answers. I’ll be leaving college with more doubts and worries. I’ll be leaving college still not knowing what it is I want in life. Isn’t that the purpose of an education, though? To make a person think?! Maybe it’s okay to not have my ducks in a row. Maybe the point of my college education was to make me evaluate entirely what I want in life…

STEP 1: Let it go.

My past has been haunting me. Did I make all the right choices? No, certainly not. But the mistakes I made have made me. I’m 20 and I get to graduate soon. I need to use this opportunity to wipe my slate clean.

STEP 2: Envision a new future.

I acknowledge where I come from, but I do not want it to define me. It’s so easy to get caught up in hometown drama and never branch out. The truth is, I’m sick of high school lovebirds staying together because it's convenient and never exploring new joys that life can bring. It takes so much courage to leave a comfortable relationship and mediocre life to try something risky. I have years before I need to bog down my life with commitment. No risk, no reward. I need to focus on having a future that makes me happy. This includes the hobbies, animals, and people that I love. I need to create a list of goals. What do I want to accomplish in the next month? Next year? And in the next 5 years?

STEP 3: Embrace the present.

I need to start today with a positive mindset. Every day is another day to learn. There are new adventures waiting for me to find them. They will not come find me. Life is what you make it. And it all starts by appreciating and enjoying every moment. One can sit at home and be bored, wallowing in self-pity and exist in a bubble. Or one can go out and enjoy the world for all it is worth.

STEP 4: Never stop learning.

It’s so easy to leave college, join a mundane career, and have a boring daily routine. The only thing hindering me from exploring is me. I need to remember that all of the adventures I want are possible only if I make them happen. I should never stop taking a class in something or reading books.

I used to be cold and not feel anything. And then I decided to open up to the possibilities of the world and the beauty and joys life has as well as the pain and hurts life offers as teachable moments. I’m trying to find the balance between these extremes. Forgive me. I don’t have life figured out, but I’m not going to stop learning. I think curiosity and exploring are wonderful. I’m determined to consume the world and not let the things of this world consume me. This is my journey.