With the start of a new year, it really made me think about where my life is headed. I made a
list of goals for what I want tp do with my life. What are the things that make me happy? What should I be motivated by? What do I really want? ...And then the blog post
23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23 came out for single people (like me) and blew up my Facebook news feed, which prompted this tangent about what I want in a relationship:
Yes, her list was sort of silly, but ultimately it was to motivate young people to do something with their lives other than becoming wives, husbands, mothers, and fathers. It is a post about living a life without someone by your side and I completely understand her sentiment. Often friends around my age (early 20s) get engaged or even married already. If they have found their One and this is the best decision for them, then that's great. Relationships can last and be wonderful even when you meet at a young age. I'm not dissing! I just disapprove of hiding behind a man to gain strength. There are healthy and unhealthy relationships. Please take this with a grain of salt (because this is my
opinion).
Often I feel as though young women (in particular) see that becoming a wife and mother is the ultimate goal in life. They see a career as a means of supporting that goal. I see a career as a means to fulfilling my purpose in life. It's more than just a paycheck. What other women my generation are feeling is this traditional societal pressure to be nothing more than a homemaker and a mother. I'm sure other women in their 20s want people to quit asking them questions such as "Where is your boyfriend?" "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" "When will you be getting married?" "When will you be having kids?" Instead ask me what I've accomplished so far. Ask me about my dreams and what I want to do with the world. Perhaps there are a few of us 'weirdos' that find something else (dare I say) EVEN MORE magical than marriage in our 20s....Our INDEPENDENCE and SELF WORTH. What other time in your life can you do whatever you want whenever you want and financially support those dreams without being tied down to anything or anyone?!
I find that women just vanish off the face of the earth when they start a relationship with someone new. Yes, there are men that do this often too. Couples seem to think that all they need is each other. Single friends get neglected. This also puts pressure on single friends to feel like they need a partner because their friends are disappearing. To the friends in relationships, quit suggesting to your single friends that we need to find a man (or a woman)
unless we tell you that is our desire. Oh, and still make time for us. We want to still know who you are when we stand next to you on your wedding day.
I feel as though society in general treats me like I am not a whole person until I find someone to partner up with in life (which is why I've been down that road and stayed in an unhappy relationship far longer than I should have). My thoughts on partnership have come to mean something much greater than simply finding someone I can tolerate and who tolerates me back. I want such an incredible love that what I'm waiting and searching for requires patience. What I'm holding out for is a partnership with an equal balance of
romance, intimacy, and commitment. Often I find relationships that only satisfy two of the three requirements and I settle, thinking the other piece will grow. It doesn't. I need to find someone who makes me incredibly happy by doing nothing and tries to love me back as best as he knows how even if he fails (because at least he is TRYING). I don't want a man that buys my affection through meaningless teddy bears and flowers. I want a man that will listen because if he listens, he knows what makes me happy, angry, sad, excited...everything. He will know the ins and outs of my heart. When I love, I really give all of myself and my love is incredible. I just want someone who can return those feelings, respect me, want me, and actually listen what I have to say.
Here's the most bizarre part:
I won't settle for any man if I those things aren't fulfilled. I will end up miserable with any guy that makes me feel small, powerless, or numb because it means I've neglected the needs of my heart, my inner core. I can't raise a family with the wrong man just because I want a family. I'd rather live alone, happily single and in love with myself than be in a relationship with a man who leaves me feeling empty. I have an extremely tall order to fill and I want to make the correct decision... even if it means never finding the correct decision.
I know others are sharing the same feelings I am. When I was in high school, you bet I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother someday. I couldn't help it! These were values ingrained into my rural community. And then I went to college and the world was truly opened for me. My brain began to dream again... it had been years since I
really had dreams. It turns out that people that have had more education get married less often. These stats can be found
here (from CDC data).
There are so many reasons for a person to get married. Oftentimes, these reasons are financial. One partner has a good paying job with benefits and the other latches on to reap those benefits and they make babies. The partner with a financially less important job or career can end up feeling trapped. They cannot provide for their family without the other partner so they stay. Not all marriages are happy... so why do we view weddings and marriages as 'end goals' when they are huge beginnings? Beginnings to be taken very seriously. Maybe higher educated people have no need for the institution of marriage because they are independent and can provide for themselves? Maybe they take more time making a careful decision and choosing a lifelong partner rather than just someone to mate with? Maybe their careers are too important to even care about love and marriage. As children, our heads are filled with fairy tale stories. The girl gets the handsome guy and they live happily ever after. After marriage #1 fails, women discover that fairy tales don't truly exist. Why don't fairy tales show the marriage after the big fancy wedding? Where is the hard work? (If you want to see a movie about the not-so-glamorous side of marriage, I highly recommend watching
I Give It a Year and it's on Netflix right now!)
To
quote Louis de Bernieres,
“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
My generation and I are trying to figure out what love even is... combining the fairy tale feelings of being in love and the lasting marriages we've seen in our own lives. We need to learn how to turn these examples of love into a healthy foundation to build upon. People give up when there is no more fancy fairy tale anymore. (Have you seen the amount of wedding shows on TV that we're all infatuated with!?) We have attention deficit disorder when it comes to relationships. Not exciting anymore? Move on to the next man that can keep me happy! ...Wrong... The deep level of commitment and working out problems just doesn't seem to show itself anymore. This is where we can take a look at our grandparents. They put up with a lot, having arguments to strengthen their relationships. My generation seems to have one foot out the door as soon as a little conflict occurs. Our relationships are lacking the substantial foundation that we need. We want so much more out of our relationships but don't know how to get there. I understand that a relationship is a give and take and that it is sometimes painful to stick with a person, which is why I'm so adamant on finding the right person. When times are tough, I want to trust my heart and know that he is worth all of my love and attention.
An excerpt from
Family Law blog:
The statistics about marriage and divorce tell us a lot about social realities in U.S. society. Despite reports about skyrocketing divorce rates and weakened family institutions caused by social change, couples who marry stay married for about the same amount of time as they have in the past. The real changes have come from people deciding to get married later in life or not at all. A large part of this shift can be attributed to the liberation of women in the work place. More women now have a chance to make an independent living than they did in the past, reducing their dependence on a working male for survival. Changes can also be attributed to growing acceptance of alternative lifestyles. Both men and women were expected to get married at relatively young ages in the past. Single people, including single mothers and fathers, are now more accepted than they ever were.
If you're waiting for the correct person, striving to achieve more in life, and harnessing your independence, you're not alone. Trends show that more and more people like you and I are waiting, hopefully to make the correct decision when we get there. No man is Prince Charming and relationships don't end in "happily ever after. The End." They are work and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. There's nothing wrong with me because I'm single (so don't act like I have a disease that needs to be cured). And hopefully other singles feel proud of their choice to stay true to their core and search for self love and independence too.
Another blog post,
24 Things To Do Instead of Getting Married Before You're 24 was created in response to the 23 things blog. It posed a better alternative list to the previous blog (and inappropriately slammed the other blog). Ultimately, both of these girls are saying the same thing I am. They gained complete independence and showed themselves the strength they have found within. They don't need a man to live a fulfilling life and complete goals. Because of this, they will choose the correct man when they are ready. Singleness is scary. But some of us have discovered that settling for a mediocre man and life is even scarier. I am a
Millenial and I am proud to think and act differently than my parents' generation. I don't want a marriage that ends in divorce. I want to raise children in a happy and loving home (just like the one I was raised in) and it turns out, so do a lot of you.
Dr. Larry Nelson, one of the three marriage, family, and human development professors to perform the study, also noted that some Millennials are delaying the transition from childhood to adulthood as a response to mistakes made by their parents. "In prior generations, you get married and you start a career and you do that immediately. What young people today are seeing is that approach has led to divorces, to people unhappy with their careers ... The majority want to get married [...] they just want to do it right the first time, the same thing with their careers."
To other Young Women- You are so much more than a mother and a wife. You have so much potential. Live a life of making mistakes, selflessly giving, constant adventuring, and self discovery. Yes, you can do all of these things within marriage, but you won't have the insight gained from true independence. You will have more meaningful conversations and life lessons to give your children when you've gone through struggles on your own. You can teach your children their true worth just as you found yours. Our society changes when our life choices and our parenting choices change. We have the potential to raise incredibly powerful, intelligent, and honest young men and women... with or without a partner!
