Present (n): a thing given to someone as a gift
Present (n): the period of time now occurring.
In schools, attendance is taken at the beginning of the day and throughout the day as students switch classrooms. Invariably our names are read aloud and we respond with "here" or "present." By the time we graduate, we've said "here" or "present" thousands of times already. We say these words, but do we mean what we say?
We understand physical presence and often conclude that that is enough. Arguably, being physically present is a wonderful thing. Parents attend recitals, concerts, games, etc. and their presence is greatly appreciated by their children. I know I certainly appreciated it...but that was in the 1990s and early 2000s. Life was considerably simpler because my parents weren't texting, emailing, or making phone calls during my important activities. When they took me out to eat, I had their full attention. When I told them about my day, they listened. When I watched a movie with them, they paid attention so we could discuss it. They are quite wonderful and they still do pay attention... even though my mom can be a teenage girl when it comes to looking at her facebook news feed when I'm home.
When I got old enough to have a phone and texting, I fully embraced it. I was raised with a cell phone. I was raised with an iPod touch. I didn't have to go that entire snow day without talking to my friends...in fact, I didn't go more than a few hours without texting a friend. As I've grown older, technology has advanced greatly. I remember a time when I had internet on my phone but didn't prefer to use it because it was so slow [taking 10 seconds to load a page!! (sarcasm)]. Now, I don't even bother lugging around my mammoth laptop because my Galaxy Note II does almost everything my computer does...and many things my computer can't do. Incredible, isn't it?! The span of my lifetime thus far has been 21 years. In 21 years we've gone from very basic, mammoth phones that hardly fit in a purse to phones that fit in your pocket conveniently (unless you're me and decide to have a phablet). We have more distractions on that little gadget than we know what to do with...I digress a little...
When given the opportunity to reciprocate the gift of being present with my parents just as they had shown me their presence, I didn't. I wrapped myself up into the little virtual world that resided in my pocket. I put my friends first. I failed to fully appreciate the people around me that loved me most and this makes me sad.
Don't get me wrong, technology is wonderful. I'm able to stay in touch with anyone around the world and even see their face while conversing. I'm able to have massive group chats with friends. I'm able to follow the lives of all of my friends and acquaintances without having to ask them anything. I can feel like I'm staying in touch with people I know because I see their lives unfolding. I'm able to be "social" with people without having to say a word or move a muscle (okay...besides clicking a mouse or scrolling over a touchscreen). This sort of interaction does not fulfill my needs! There are phenomena popping up such as social media anxiety disorder (yes, that's a thing now!) and other psychological disorders related to social media. These disorders can be traced to the fact that social media is skewed. We tend to only post the good, positive events in our lives. We omit writing "Sitting on the couch eating ice cream for the third day in a row. Rough week. Need friends. Can anyone come over?" for fear of sounding desperate or even worse...BORING. We want people to think our lives are fun, exciting, and glamorous. We only show the good... but that isn't an accurate representation of real life. Social media is not the equivalent of being social.
If I'm able to visit a friend in person, I prefer that to anything my phone can do. Humans are social creatures and I am no exception. When I am with friends, I am able to control myself around my phone. As I've gotten older, I've learned that in order to spend quality time with someone I love, I need to put my phone away and not look at it unless it's a phone call (because it might actually be important). 'Remove the distraction and be present with your friend' I say to myself. In this sense, I mean present as in all three mentioned above. I'm with my friend in the here and now as well as mentally there too. My presence should be a gift. Is it? Am I truly listening to my friend? Is my friend truly listening to me?
I've figured out that when I put the people I'm physically surrounded by at the center of my attention, I remember the event, situation, conversation...everything so much better. And this makes me happier. The only thing I'm doing differently is letting go of distractions and giving my focus and attention to the person or people I'm with. My problem is that I am not always given the same courtesy back. I'm present, but my friend is absent. She only talks about herself and her situation but doesn't seem to care or be interested enough in asking me questions too. He won't reciprocate the undivided attention I give to him, his life, and his stories.
At what point do I give up on them? At what point am I a fool for keeping them as friends? At what point am I the monster for walking out on them when they needed my friendship? Why does it hurt so much to care and be vulnerable and be present and be patient with those around us? Being present shouldn't be this difficult...but somehow it is. If we are not present with our loved ones, we miss out. We forget what was said. We forget the joys and sorrows of moments because we did not pay attention. When we are not present, we lose. We lose the moments with our loved ones that we will never get back. We lose out on self discovery and knowledge when we do not participate in storytelling or debates. When our loved ones aren't present, they miss out on the gift of our presence. They miss out on the meaningful conversations, insights, and laughter we can provide. They lose out on the opportunity to embrace us and deepen the bonds that already exist. They lose because their world becomes shallow and narcissistic... and then they try to search for meaning in their lives and find none.
My challenge for all of us is to put the phone away when it's not necessary and simply be present with those we're with. We are all a gift to one another with our words, our art, our ideas, our thoughts. This is how we feel our purpose in life. Listen. Be attentive. Repeat. Show the people you love that you are present and that you care about what is going on in their life and how they are feeling... then offer some advice or discussion if it is warranted. If you are truly present, the gift you receive in return is a treasured memory. You get to learn more about that person and share in their life. They'll note that you actually listened. They will feel cared for and appreciated. They will feel loved. So will you.
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