Thoughts on how to be a funeral director in a changing industry...

Society is losing sight of the value of the services that funeral directors provide.
Rapidly changing attitudes toward death and the death care industry are being led by the ‘baby
boomer’ generation. They are increasing cremation rates and opting toward non-traditional
“Celebration of Life” services. Once the cremains are returned to the family, they often choose
a third-party instead to handle the celebration ceremony details such as event and wedding
planners. This poses a threat to the funeral industry because families are opting out of using funeral directors as their event planners, thus mitigating our services. Maintaining a strong funeral business involves reinventing and creating new traditions for the industry to match the families’ needs. Adding value to our services is done by educating families, offering unique options, and providing quality service.

Families are generally uneducated about what to do when a death occurs and need an
expert to tell them what to do. They also need someone to take care of legal documents filed
when a death occurs as well as help planning out services. The greatest asset a director can have
is knowledge. If a director seems uneducated about their job, families will not trust them.
It is so important to educate families thoroughly about social security, death certificates,
and the processes of embalming and cremation during the arrangement conference. Families
often think they know what they want for services when they walk in the door. It is important
that as funeral directors, we educate families on all of the options prior to their final decision.
After all, we are the experts. This is particularly important for unexpected deaths when a viewing
may be vital for grieving family and friends. Families often don’t realize the importance of a
viewing, but it is my job to stress that.

Besides not finding value in funeral services anymore, another reason families are opting
out of traditional services is because they are not as religious as their parents were. It is often not
helpful for families to have services in a church for an individual that didn’t even go to church.
Maintaining a strong funeral business involves reinventing and creating new traditions for the
industry to match the families’ needs. These families need alternative options for ceremonies.
Increasingly, they’ll take place at a bar, restaurant, park, boat, or anywhere for that matter and
will be led by a celebrant instead of clergy. Non-traditional services are already shown in today’s
media. The movie P.S. I love You, for example, shows a memorial celebration service in a bar
where loved ones gather to drink and tell stories about their beloved friend. The urn, made by his
wife, was personalized with studs and leather.

While working at a funeral home, I’ve seen first-hand that people prefer not to buy a
standard, funerary urn. They want non-traditional and/or highly affordable options, either having
a friend build an urn or simply driving to a store to find a covered container (like a decorative
cookie jar) under $50 to use as an urn. As a profession, we can do better than offering standard
products. One way I want to impact the change in funeral products is by offering families the
options of finding one-of-a-kind urns or keepsake items beyond what is listed in a convenient
catalog. There are several artists in the United States that do specialty work with ashes 
in glass sculptures and preserving memorial flowers. The options families have to preserve
memories with keepsakes are extensive and families need to be informed of their options. Putting
in the extra effort and paying attention to details will shed a more positive light on funeral
service and emphasize the value of having a director with the knowledge of these options and the
ability to handle these details.

I want to approach funeral service with a fresh, flexible, and innovative perspective. It’s
important to demonstrate to families that when they make arrangements for the care of their
loved ones, they’re also purchasing the quality service that comes with it. Focusing on strong
customer service is vital because people want to feel valued and well taken care of.

Being a funeral director is about handling everything with care while providing superb
service that people can trust. This is done by pampering families with niceties that surpass
expectation, being flexible by handling unique requests for services, and maintaining strong
social connections with customers to create family loyalty. Offering families a variety of
options they didn’t even know they had (i.e. holding services at a local park or other unique
venue, choosing unique artisan urns, or having a celebrant instead of clergy) will showcase my
knowledge of planning meaningful services and solidify me as their go-to person for everything
related to planning the service. It's time for the standard ideas of what a funeral consists of to be thrown out the window.

The Immoralist by Andre Gide: Links between Sexuality and Mortality

Sexuality is strongly linked to life, health, and vitality. The opposite of these would be death, illness, and mortality. Several passages in Gide’s novel The Immoralist have touched on this dichotomy in the context of sexuality. This is because sexuality is directly linked to continuing life and life cannot exist without death. In his book  The Undertaking, funeral director Thomas Lynch said, “Walking upright between the past and future, a tightrope walk across our times, became, for me, a way of living: trying to maintain a balance between the competing gravities of birth and death, hope and regret, sex and mortality, love and grief, all those opposites or nearly opposites that become, after a while, the rocks and hard places, synonymous forces between which we navigate, like salmon balanced in the current, damned sometimes if we do or don't.” 

Sex and mortality can be directly linked as opposites akin to birth and death because sex is the process for the procreation of life whereas mortality is being fallible to death. Lynch says they are “synonymous forces between which we navigate” our lives and he is correct. It is the core of our existence and Gide explores these two ends on the continuum called life. He proves, too, that sexuality often leads to self-discovery and fuels the desire to live and enjoy the world in which we are surrounded.

In The Immoralist, the main character Michel is faced with the death of his mom at age fifteen and the death of his father nine years later. The loss of each parent had significant alterations in the course of Michel’s life. At the loss of his mother he states “I did not yet suspect what great power that early childish morality has over us, nor what traits it leaves in our mind. That sort of austerity, a taste for which my mother had left to me while inculcating its principles, I transferred in its entirety to my studies.” After the death of his mother, his father molded him not with moral beliefs, but through education. As a result, he became an academic and didn’t explore his sense of self or sexuality while going through adolescence. He said, “And so I reached the age of twenty-five practically without ever having looked at anything but ruins or books, and totally ignorant of life; I applied unusual fervor to my work” (10).

Michel gets married around the age of twenty-five to ease the mind of his dying father. He is not in love with this woman, but has never loved any other woman either. Michel lives a life that seems to be numb to all pleasurable sensations and feelings, as though he is trapped in a dismal world. He has ignored sex, life, and death only to feel nothing but pity. He admits he doesn’t even know himself. He is on autopilot, not truly living and thinking for himself.

After getting married and having his father die, Michel realizes that his own health is very delicate. He is reminded that life is fragile and that the “excessively tranquil life [he] led was weakening [him]” (11). Soon after this, Michel’s senses seemed to be coming alive. He looked at his wife carefully and started to notice her grace and beauty, “Up to then I had lived for myself or at least in my own fashion; I had married without imagining that my wife would be anything more than a comrade, without thinking very clearly that, after our union, my life could be changed. I had just come to understand, finally, that the monologue was now over” (12). With this new change in thought, a whole host of new thoughts was unleashed inside Michel.

From this point on, it seems that Michel enters a sort of ‘rebirth’. He sees life differently and notices everything delicately. “As I came into contact with new sensations, parts of me were stirred, dormant faculties that had not yet been put to use, and so had kept all their mysterious youthfulness. I was more surprised, amazed, than amused, and what I especially liked was Marceline’s joy” (13). It seems that for the first time in a long time, Michel is starting to feel pleasure, one of the joys of life.

Michel falls ill. With his health threatened, he seems to really be shaken to the core and cries over his conflicting emotions. When he felt ambivalent about life, he also felt ambivalent about death. Once he began to enjoy life, he began to fear death. His health seems to change drastically with several bad days followed by several good days and so on. “Finally, one day,” Michel recounts, “Just like a lost sailor sighting land, I felt a gleam of life awakening; I had the strength to smile at Marceline.” As Michel’s feelings become heightened, he directly correlates his newfound sense of life to the fact that “death had brushed [him] with its wing.” (p 16) Soon after Michel starts to truly feel alive, his first instincts of sexuality, pleasure derived from others, seemed to kick in. He becomes enamored with young, healthy boys.

After seeing a young boy, Bashir, bleed smooth, red blood, Michel contrasts it with his clotted, blackish blood. Michel becomes upset over his poor health because he actually wants to live and is afraid to die. Up until now, Michel felt mostly pity toward others and numb to the world. He says, “And suddenly I was seized by a desire, a wish, something more rabid, more imperious than anything I had felt until then: to live! I wanted to live…I concentrated entirely, desperately, desolately, on that effort to go on existing” (19).

From this moment on, all things that were previously important to Michel, mainly scholarly work, no longer were important. He didn’t want to spend his days recovering back to health being buried in books; he spent his days recovering in the outdoors. Children visited with him often, especially if he was outside. He found an actual sense of joy by being surrounded by others, adventuring through the oasis, and not being around Marceline.

The moments when Michel truly feels like he is alive are soon followed by sexual thoughts or acts. In Africa, he lusts over the bodies of young boys right after he is saved from death. He doesn’t show this sort of passion for his wife until later in the novel when her life is endangered. Michel sees Marceline’s carriage driver recklessly driving through the countryside. Once the horse collapses, he gets into a brawl with the driver and ties him up. He was so proud of himself and his strength. He faced his mortality and reflected “it had immediately seemed to me that I could give up my life for her… and give it all happily.” After the brawl, they kissed and at night they had sex for the first time. This sexual encounter causes Marceline to become pregnant. She also becomes sick, just as Michel had earlier. With only a month left in her pregnancy, the life growing inside of her dies.

Sex and mortality are “synonymous forces between which we navigate.”

Toward the end of the novel Marceline is gravely ill. Michel’s response is that he loves her and wants her to get better but only because he doesn’t want to be alone. He brings her a room full of spring flowers. Spring is the season of rebirth in the northern hemisphere, where buds form on trees and grass turns green again. Marceline immediately rejects the flowers due to their ‘fragrance’ when really she rejects the notion that she will never live to see future springs. Michel gets rid of the flowers but notes to himself “Oh, if she could no longer abide even that little touch of springtime!...” He knows her death is near.

After Marceline dies, Michel keeps traveling. He meets a prostitute and spends the night with her a few times. She has a younger brother, Ali, that Michel enjoys spending time with as well. Ali discovered Michel had slept with his sister and was so mad he didn’t come back for days. Michel didn’t sleep with Ali’s sister after that for fear of losing him. The novel ends with Michel reflecting on her, “She laughs and jokes about my preferring the boy to her. She claims that he’s the main thing keeping me here. Maybe she’s not altogether wrong…” In Michel’s world and ours, sex leads to life, life leads to death, and death leads to sex. The circle always continues and teaches a lesson each step of the way.

Foodie Adventures.

As I previously wrote about, I have been cooking fantastic meals for myself lately. Food seems to be one of my greatest creative outlets. When I’m creating a dish, I am filled with so many ideas. Bringing a dish to life, however, is the greatest reward of cooking… but the ability to share that meal with friends and family you love is priceless.

Last semester got really hectic and I didn't take the time to cook for myself at the end. As soon as finals were over I broke my month-long hiatus from cooking a full-blown meal... Seared salmon on a bed of rosemary balsamic roasted sweet potatoes, lemon asparagus, and an artichoke vinaigrette salad. The only thing I didn't make was the bread!

I’m so passionate about food and creating food because it is one of the greatest elements of our social lives. We gather around food and drinks to talk about anything and everything. Setting aside time to enjoy a meal with another person is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.

Over the past month, I’ve gotten to go to several new restaurants. My birthday dinner at Chino Latino involved delicious short ribs and lamb. Arguably my Blue Hawaiian drink was my favorite part of the meal!

My roommate Kristin and I are both from the New Ulm area and we get homesick sometimes. We decided to have a food adventure to Black Forest Inn on eat street in Uptown. We were not at all disappointed either. I got my fill of sauerkraut, sausage, and German potato salad…my mouth is salivating all over again just thinking about this meal. The restaurant and bar are adorably decorated. It feels like being in a quaint little German restaurant back home. To top off our meal, we had warm cider wine. Kristin and I were both tempted to steal the cute little pitcher it came in. What a wonderful experience.

Nikki (my roommate last year) and I decided to explore a new restaurant and treat ourselves to a fancy date night. We went to Lucia’s Restaurant and drank sparkling Prosecco. Our meals started off with a mixed greens salad and a perfectly creamy tomato basil soup. Our main courses blew us away. I had an out-of-this-world beef entree. We topped off dessert with a blood orange mousse. I didn’t need to eat for another 20 hours. No lie.

The most exquisite eating experience I’ve had so far this year was over at my friend Michael’s house. For Valentine’s Day, us singles decided to celebrate our singledom together. We made fools out of the people who made reservations at a restaurant and waited in traffic for an hour. Our menu consisted of a mixed greens salad with roasted garlic vinaigrette, tomatoes, and merlot cheese. Sautéed mushrooms and shallots accompanied our bacon-wrapped sirloin steaks with a red wine reduction, lemon-buttered asparagus, and a butternut squash puree with a healthy slab of Texas toast on the side. The savory-meets-sweet combination was enough to send my taste buds to heaven. It was THAT good. With a glass of red wine in each of our hands, we toasted to our friendship and incredible team work for pulling off this 5-star meal.

I stumbled upon the best Minneapolis bakery this week. It’s called A Baker’s Wife’s Pastry Shop. The portions are huge and cheap. It’s a hole-in-the-wall gem! Go! The goodies are excellent! Here’s a shot of my carrot muffin with cream cheese frosting.

I truly have the best friends in my life... I’m unbelievably blessed. Tuesday night I had a date with my ex-roommate’s boyfriend. The foodie adventure happened at Lake & Irving and it was delicious. Nathan and I both had sandwiches…and no complaints! Taylor and Nathan have been dating well over a year and I still don’t know him that well, so we decided to hang out. It was worth it. What a great guy, Taylor! After that I headed to Mystic Lake with Casey to meet up with my parents and play bingo. Nobody won anything, but it was still fun…not my average Tuesday night!

This morning I got out of class early…early enough for breakfast! So I went to my favorite diner The Bad Waitress and ordered the best eggs benny in all of Minneapolis. Rosemary in the hollandaise sauce is key. It’s so good I almost didn’t want to waste the time taking a picture of it before devouring…but I did, just for you. Hate me now? Why not join me instead! J

Dating Myself.

Sorry it's been a while, Blogger. Life has been busy... I'm currently sitting in my kitchen listening to Hall & Oates's You Make My Dreams and smelling a pan of bars that just got out of the oven... okay, life is pretty good after all!

So...I’ve realized that I get frustrated when I can’t direct my love onto anyone. This probably doesn’t make any sense, but I can’t help but want to share my life with those around me. I get frustrated when I feel like I am not noticed. In order to solve this, I’ve been trying to date myself and pay myself that extra attention I seem to be lacking. I know, dating myself probably sounds a little immature or weird, but it has actually been quite delightful. I’m the only person that can read my mind. I know everything that will make me happy…so why not spend the money on myself?

For my birthday I woke up and made breakfast bagel sandwiches for myself and my roommates. This was wonderful because I got to help myself and others all at the same time. I also purchased a bouquet of my favorite flowers, peach roses, to make myself feel extra special.

My birthday turned out fantastic. I had a small group of friends and family that came to celebrate with me. They brought me gifts and truly made me feel loved with their presence. These are my beautiful roommates and me.

I decided to have adventures on my own. Exploring, living, and feeling. I took myself to see The Invisible Woman, a film about the secret love affair of Charles Dickens. I was one of about 4 people in the Uptown Theater. I cuddled into my faux leather seat and let my head get lost in the fantasy. It hit home for me because it explored the love lives of artists. For some reason, I seem to only be attracted to men that create for a living. This is both good and bad. My conclusions are that it is impossible to have a serious relationship with an artist.

Later that weekend, I explored the frozen Minnehaha Falls with myself. It was an incredible sight to see. I just went again two days ago and climbed up behind the falls with my DSLR. I have been itching to take my camera for an adventure and the view was breathtaking...here's a sneak peek from my phone's camera.

I started taking yoga classes to help me find peace and energy throughout the day. I need to start going more often again, though. Life has just been so busy. No excuses, though!!

To attack my goals I set forth earlier this year, I am raising money for Children's Grief Connection. It is a camp that helps children and families that have had a death occur in their family or a close friend. I've had a chance to volunteer at this camp (as a giant bear, mind you!) and I am now going to JUMP IN A FROZEN LAKE because I feel so strongly about supporting this cause. Click here to donate to my jump!! This camp is 100% free for families and truly changes their lives and helps them carry on. Camps are expensive to run, so please contribute, even if it is only a small amount! The person who donates the most gets to CHOOSE WHAT I WEAR!!!

Lastly, I’ve been buying myself fantastic food like salmon, scallops (picture below), and steaks to treat myself. Focusing on me has allowed me to focus on others in a healthy way, too. I’ve gone on several dates with friends to try out fantastic new restaurants and foods, but more on that in my next post! Have I convinced you to start dating yourself more often, too?!

Is our presence a present in the present?

Presence (n): the state or fact of existing, occurring, or being present in a place or thing
Present (n): a thing given to someone as a gift
Present (n): the period of time now occurring.

In schools, attendance is taken at the beginning of the day and throughout the day as students switch classrooms. Invariably our names are read aloud and we respond with "here" or "present." By the time we graduate, we've said "here" or "present" thousands of times already. We say these words, but do we mean what we say?

We understand physical presence and often conclude that that is enough. Arguably, being physically present is a wonderful thing. Parents attend recitals, concerts, games, etc. and their presence is greatly appreciated by their children. I know I certainly appreciated it...but that was in the 1990s and early 2000s. Life was considerably simpler because my parents weren't texting, emailing, or making phone calls during my important activities. When they took me out to eat, I had their full attention. When I told them about my day, they listened. When I watched a movie with them, they paid attention so we could discuss it. They are quite wonderful and they still do pay attention... even though my mom can be a teenage girl when it comes to looking at her facebook news feed when I'm home.

When I got old enough to have a phone and texting, I fully embraced it. I was raised with a cell phone. I was raised with an iPod touch. I didn't have to go that entire snow day without talking to my friends...in fact, I didn't go more than a few hours without texting a friend. As I've grown older, technology has advanced greatly. I remember a time when I had internet on my phone but didn't prefer to use it because it was so slow [taking 10 seconds to load a page!! (sarcasm)]. Now, I don't even bother lugging around my mammoth laptop because my Galaxy Note II does almost everything my computer does...and many things my computer can't do. Incredible, isn't it?! The span of my lifetime thus far has been 21 years. In 21 years we've gone from very basic, mammoth phones that hardly fit in a purse to phones that fit in your pocket conveniently (unless you're me and decide to have a phablet). We have more distractions on that little gadget than we know what to do with...I digress a little...

When given the opportunity to reciprocate the gift of being present with my parents just as they had shown me their presence, I didn't. I wrapped myself up into the little virtual world that resided in my pocket. I put my friends first. I failed to fully appreciate the people around me that loved me most and this makes me sad.

Don't get me wrong, technology is wonderful. I'm able to stay in touch with anyone around the world and even see their face while conversing. I'm able to have massive group chats with friends. I'm able to follow the lives of all of my friends and acquaintances without having to ask them anything. I can feel like I'm staying in touch with people I know because I see their lives unfolding. I'm able to be "social" with people without having to say a word or move a muscle (okay...besides clicking a mouse or scrolling over a touchscreen). This sort of interaction does not fulfill my needs! There are phenomena popping up such as social media anxiety disorder (yes, that's a thing now!) and other psychological disorders related to social media. These disorders can be traced to the fact that social media is skewed. We tend to only post the good, positive events in our lives. We omit writing "Sitting on the couch eating ice cream for the third day in a row. Rough week. Need friends. Can anyone come over?" for fear of sounding desperate or even worse...BORING. We want people to think our lives are fun, exciting, and glamorous. We only show the good... but that isn't an accurate representation of real life. Social media is not the equivalent of being social.

If I'm able to visit a friend in person, I prefer that to anything my phone can do. Humans are social creatures and I am no exception. When I am with friends, I am able to control myself around my phone. As I've gotten older, I've learned that in order to spend quality time with someone I love, I need to put my phone away and not look at it unless it's a phone call (because it might actually be important). 'Remove the distraction and be present with your friend' I say to myself. In this sense, I mean present as in all three mentioned above. I'm with my friend in the here and now as well as mentally there too. My presence should be a gift. Is it? Am I truly listening to my friend? Is my friend truly listening to me?

I've figured out that when I put the people I'm physically surrounded by at the center of my attention, I remember the event, situation, conversation...everything so much better. And this makes me happier. The only thing I'm doing differently is letting go of distractions and giving my focus and attention to the person or people I'm with. My problem is that I am not always given the same courtesy back. I'm present, but my friend is absent. She only talks about herself and her situation but doesn't seem to care or be interested enough in asking me questions too. He won't reciprocate the undivided attention I give to him, his life, and his stories.

At what point do I give up on them? At what point am I a fool for keeping them as friends? At what point am I the monster for walking out on them when they needed my friendship? Why does it hurt so much to care and be vulnerable and be present and be patient with those around us? Being present shouldn't be this difficult...but somehow it is. If we are not present with our loved ones, we miss out. We forget what was said. We forget the joys and sorrows of moments because we did not pay attention. When we are not present, we lose. We lose the moments with our loved ones that we will never get back. We lose out on self discovery and knowledge when we do not participate in storytelling or debates. When our loved ones aren't present, they miss out on the gift of our presence. They miss out on the meaningful conversations, insights, and laughter we can provide. They lose out on the opportunity to embrace us and deepen the bonds that already exist. They lose because their world becomes shallow and narcissistic... and then they try to search for meaning in their lives and find none.

My challenge for all of us is to put the phone away when it's not necessary and simply be present with those we're with. We are all a gift to one another with our words, our art, our ideas, our thoughts. This is how we feel our purpose in life. Listen. Be attentive. Repeat. Show the people you love that you are present and that you care about what is going on in their life and how they are feeling... then offer some advice or discussion if it is warranted. If you are truly present, the gift you receive in return is a treasured memory. You get to learn more about that person and share in their life. They'll note that you actually listened. They will feel cared for and appreciated. They will feel loved. So will you.

Reflections on Getting Married Young and the Millenial Generation

With the start of a new year, it really made me think about where my life is headed. I made a list of goals for what I want tp do with my life. What are the things that make me happy? What should I be motivated by? What do I really want? ...And then the blog post 23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23 came out for single people (like me) and blew up my Facebook news feed, which prompted this tangent about what I want in a relationship:

Yes, her list was sort of silly, but ultimately it was to motivate young people to do something with their lives other than becoming wives, husbands, mothers, and fathers. It is a post about living a life without someone by your side and I completely understand her sentiment. Often friends around my age (early 20s) get engaged or even married already. If they have found their One and this is the best decision for them, then that's great. Relationships can last and be wonderful even when you meet at a young age. I'm not dissing! I just disapprove of hiding behind a man to gain strength. There are healthy and unhealthy relationships. Please take this with a grain of salt (because this is my opinion).

Often I feel as though young women (in particular) see that becoming a wife and mother is the ultimate goal in life. They see a career as a means of supporting that goal. I see a career as a means to fulfilling my purpose in life. It's more than just a paycheck. What other women my generation are feeling is this traditional societal pressure to be nothing more than a homemaker and a mother. I'm sure other women in their 20s want people to quit asking them questions such as "Where is your boyfriend?" "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" "When will you be getting married?" "When will you be having kids?" Instead ask me what I've accomplished so far. Ask me about my dreams and what I want to do with the world. Perhaps there are a few of us 'weirdos' that find something else (dare I say) EVEN MORE magical than marriage in our 20s....Our INDEPENDENCE and SELF WORTH. What other time in your life can you do whatever you want whenever you want and financially support those dreams without being tied down to anything or anyone?!

I find that women just vanish off the face of the earth when they start a relationship with someone new. Yes, there are men that do this often too. Couples seem to think that all they need is each other. Single friends get neglected. This also puts pressure on single friends to feel like they need a partner because their friends are disappearing. To the friends in relationships, quit suggesting to your single friends that we need to find a man (or a woman) unless we tell you that is our desire. Oh, and still make time for us. We want to still know who you are when we stand next to you on your wedding day.

I feel as though society in general treats me like I am not a whole person until I find someone to partner up with in life (which is why I've been down that road and stayed in an unhappy relationship far longer than I should have). My thoughts on partnership have come to mean something much greater than simply finding someone I can tolerate and who tolerates me back. I want such an incredible love that what I'm waiting and searching for requires patience. What I'm holding out for is a partnership with an equal balance of romance, intimacy, and commitment. Often I find relationships that only satisfy two of the three requirements and I settle, thinking the other piece will grow. It doesn't. I need to find someone who makes me incredibly happy by doing nothing and tries to love me back as best as he knows how even if he fails (because at least he is TRYING). I don't want a man that buys my affection through meaningless teddy bears and flowers. I want a man that will listen because if he listens, he knows what makes me happy, angry, sad, excited...everything. He will know the ins and outs of my heart. When I love, I really give all of myself and my love is incredible. I just want someone who can return those feelings, respect me, want me, and actually listen what I have to say.

Here's the most bizarre part: I won't settle for any man if I those things aren't fulfilled. I will end up miserable with any guy that makes me feel small, powerless, or numb because it means I've neglected the needs of my heart, my inner core. I can't raise a family with the wrong man just because I want a family. I'd rather live alone, happily single and in love with myself than be in a relationship with a man who leaves me feeling empty. I have an extremely tall order to fill and I want to make the correct decision... even if it means never finding the correct decision.

I know others are sharing the same feelings I am. When I was in high school, you bet I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and mother someday. I couldn't help it! These were values ingrained into my rural community. And then I went to college and the world was truly opened for me. My brain began to dream again... it had been years since I really had dreams. It turns out that people that have had more education get married less often. These stats can be found here (from CDC data).

There are so many reasons for a person to get married. Oftentimes, these reasons are financial. One partner has a good paying job with benefits and the other latches on to reap those benefits and they make babies. The partner with a financially less important job or career can end up feeling trapped. They cannot provide for their family without the other partner so they stay. Not all marriages are happy... so why do we view weddings and marriages as 'end goals' when they are huge beginnings? Beginnings to be taken very seriously. Maybe higher educated people have no need for the institution of marriage because they are independent and can provide for themselves? Maybe they take more time making a careful decision and choosing a lifelong partner rather than just someone to mate with? Maybe their careers are too important to even care about love and marriage. As children, our heads are filled with fairy tale stories. The girl gets the handsome guy and they live happily ever after. After marriage #1 fails, women discover that fairy tales don't truly exist. Why don't fairy tales show the marriage after the big fancy wedding? Where is the hard work? (If you want to see a movie about the not-so-glamorous side of marriage, I highly recommend watching I Give It a Year and it's on Netflix right now!)

To quote Louis de Bernieres,

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” 

My generation and I are trying to figure out what love even is... combining the fairy tale feelings of being in love and the lasting marriages we've seen in our own lives. We need to learn how to turn these examples of love into a healthy foundation to build upon. People give up when there is no more fancy fairy tale anymore. (Have you seen the amount of wedding shows on TV that we're all infatuated with!?) We have attention deficit disorder when it comes to relationships. Not exciting anymore? Move on to the next man that can keep me happy! ...Wrong... The deep level of commitment and working out problems just doesn't seem to show itself anymore. This is where we can take a look at our grandparents. They put up with a lot, having arguments to strengthen their relationships. My generation seems to have one foot out the door as soon as a little conflict occurs. Our relationships are lacking the substantial foundation that we need. We want so much more out of our relationships but don't know how to get there. I understand that a relationship is a give and take and that it is sometimes painful to stick with a person, which is why I'm so adamant on finding the right person. When times are tough, I want to trust my heart and know that he is worth all of my love and attention.

An excerpt from Family Law blog:

The statistics about marriage and divorce tell us a lot about social realities in U.S. society. Despite reports about skyrocketing divorce rates and weakened family institutions caused by social change, couples who marry stay married for about the same amount of time as they have in the past. The real changes have come from people deciding to get married later in life or not at all. A large part of this shift can be attributed to the liberation of women in the work place. More women now have a chance to make an independent living than they did in the past, reducing their dependence on a working male for survival. Changes can also be attributed to growing acceptance of alternative lifestyles. Both men and women were expected to get married at relatively young ages in the past. Single people, including single mothers and fathers, are now more accepted than they ever were.

If you're waiting for the correct person, striving to achieve more in life, and harnessing your independence, you're not alone. Trends show that more and more people like you and I are waiting, hopefully to make the correct decision when we get there. No man is Prince Charming and relationships don't end in "happily ever after. The End." They are work and I don't think I'm ready for that yet. There's nothing wrong with me because I'm single (so don't act like I have a disease that needs to be cured). And hopefully other singles feel proud of their choice to stay true to their core and search for self love and independence too.

Another blog post, 24 Things To Do Instead of Getting Married Before You're 24 was created in response to the 23 things blog. It posed a better alternative list to the previous blog (and inappropriately slammed the other blog). Ultimately, both of these girls are saying the same thing I am. They gained complete independence and showed themselves the strength they have found within. They don't need a man to live a fulfilling life and complete goals. Because of this, they will choose the correct man when they are ready. Singleness is scary. But some of us have discovered that settling for a mediocre man and life is even scarier. I am a Millenial and I am proud to think and act differently than my parents' generation. I don't want a marriage that ends in divorce. I want to raise children in a happy and loving home (just like the one I was raised in) and it turns out, so do a lot of you.

Dr. Larry Nelson, one of the three marriage, family, and human development professors to perform the study, also noted that some Millennials are delaying the transition from childhood to adulthood as a response to mistakes made by their parents. "In prior generations, you get married and you start a career and you do that immediately. What young people today are seeing is that approach has led to divorces, to people unhappy with their careers ... The majority want to get married [...] they just want to do it right the first time, the same thing with their careers."

To other Young Women- You are so much more than a mother and a wife. You have so much potential. Live a life of making mistakes, selflessly giving, constant adventuring, and self discovery. Yes, you can do all of these things within marriage, but you won't have the insight gained from true independence. You will have more meaningful conversations and life lessons to give your children when you've gone through struggles on your own. You can teach your children their true worth just as you found yours. Our society changes when our life choices and our parenting choices change. We have the potential to raise incredibly powerful, intelligent, and honest young men and women... with or without a partner!

You're in it for you. NOT HIM!

The reason I struggle with relationships is that I’ve learned what the long-lasting ones consist of {Compromise, Care, & Selflessness} but I just cannot seem to find a partner in life who wants to create a true partnership and a strong bond. Something isn't working... so let's examine my relationship-y self...

Because I’ve seen what it takes to have a lasting relationship, it doesn’t mean that I know how to achieve that. I rush things. I forget to have fun. I put the other person before myself way too soon and lose my own identity.

My most recent relationship was a mess. He had baggage and I had baggage. The timing was completely horrible…but I learned so much about who I am. What a blessing.

A love list for future me:

1.       Quit trying to soothe the other person’s insecurities.

- Don’t say things until you truly mean them and don’t say things because you think that’s what they want to hear.

2.       Always be your goofy self.

- I have the most fun when I don’t care about what others think… however I’m usually only completely myself when meeting strangers for the first time (because I don’t need to impress them) and when I’m with family and friends that I know love me no matter what.

3.       Quit being too overbearing.

- It’s so easy to fall head over heels when you find out the guy you’re with is absolutely the most incredible person you’ve met. I didn’t want to ruin things so I tried to be very careful and tried too hard to make him feel wonderful all the time. In hindsight, I totally smothered him with too much affection and being far too forward. Your love is something any man should treasure if he receives it. Do not give it away easily.

4.       Start asking yourself what you want

- So I cared a lot about him, but when I don’t get that care reciprocated, I end up with a lowered self-esteem. I lose. I need to show myself love above anyone else. That is the only way I can ever allow myself to feel love from others.

5.       Don’t put too much importance on the other person.

- When you treat someone like they are important to you and mean a lot, it actually can backfire. Instead of them accepting the wonders of your care and affection, they can soak it all up and rob you of your life. Don’t give another person that kind of power until they are actually worth it all.

6.       Make sure the other person is worth it.

- Let the fun stage last as long as possible. If you start to not enjoy it anymore, ask yourself why! Did you give yourself away too soon? Were they ever going to give you a chance in the first place? Be on the same page as the other person and as soon as you realize things won’t work out, end it.

7.       Don’t chase after a man who doesn’t chase you first.

- If he really wants you and realizes how wonderful you are, you will matter. If he doesn’t see those things, then you will never matter.

8.       If things won’t work out from the beginning, don’t force them.

- Trust in the plan the universe has for you. Accept only a man who truly wants to fulfill your desires… don’t hang onto false hopes and dreams. If he doesn’t open up, don’t force it. Just walk away. You’ll be better off.

9.       Don’t be afraid to fill your schedule.

- Don’t be so accessible for him to call or hang out. That reeks of desperation. You’re not desperate, so why are you acting like it? Yes, he’s awesome…but you’ll enjoy your time much more if it’s hard to come by. Trust me!!!

10.   Don’t get dependent.

- It’s so important for you to remain the strong independent woman you are. But it is okay to let people into your heart too. Sometimes you make the wrong judgment about men, but don’t blame yourself. You probably had false and misleading evidence to go off of.

Be mad. If things upset you, then just be mad about it already. Let it out. Don’t hold grudges. Be mad and be done. Quit falling for guys that are emotionally completely unavailable. Don’t be tempted to want what you can’t have. I know it’s so hard to stay away from a challenge, but you’ll probably be happier with a really nice guy…as long as he isn’t boring and has feasible aspirations for great things.

As long as you remain yourself and don’t make the same relationship mistakes over and over, you’ll be golden. Plus, the guy who is out there just waiting for you won’t really mind any of your quirks. He’ll find you endearing. He'll always want you so just be you. You’re only being honest if you’re true to you. You’re in it for you.